


Fools

by denial_four, marsakat



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, Heartbreak, Hospitals, I'm so sorry, M/M, Sad, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 17:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6619885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denial_four/pseuds/denial_four, https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsakat/pseuds/marsakat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh can see a future, an ocean, the entire sky inside of his eyes.<br/>Unfortunately Tyler only sees a friend and a bland landscape inside of his.</p><p>Songs by Troye Sivan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fools

**Author's Note:**

> \- Contains sensitive material, may mention self hate/harm, suicide, and have a general air of negativity. Be careful, frens.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh can see a future, an ocean, the entire sky inside of his eyes.  
> Unfortunately Tyler only sees a friend and a bland landscape inside of his.

_" I am tired of this place, I hope people change._  
_I need time to replace what I gave away-_  
_And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small.._  
_Though I try to resist I still want it all. "_

* * *

 

Josh's eyes met the white of his ceiling and he stared at it. He didn't move. He didn't blink. He only breathed. 

This was his existence now.

His everything was contained inside of one person's body. And it definitely wasn't his. He had spent the last few years trying to pinpoint exactly where it was all coming from, why he was feeling this way. Why he got chills, felt his face get hot quicker than usual, why he couldn't dare to breathe at certain times of day. And he'd finally figured it out. Which person was molding him like this. It was Tyler. It had always been Tyler.

Tyler was his bandmate, his best friend, the person he loved to spend time with the most. But Tyler was something else to Josh. He was his everything. Josh could look at Tyler and see the most beautiful landscapes he could imagine. Tyler was all blue oceans, emerald rainforests and rolling hills on the countryside. An entire universe of stars lived in his eyes. But Tyler wasn't aware of this. And all he could possibly see in Josh was him, for what he was. A drummer. A friend. That's all.

Josh was in love with Tyler.

The realization hit him again as it had every day since he'd found it. It manifested itself in the physical world as a sudden exhale from Josh, passing through his lips silently.

 _Tyler_.

The name hit him as a blow to the chest, blossoming across his nerves like a bruise and telling his lungs to stop breathing normally, just for a second.

But that's what broke him.

It's always what broke him.

 

* * *

 

 

_" I see swimming pools, and living rooms, and aeroplanes._  
_I see a little house on the hill, and children's names._  
_I see quiet nights poured over ice, and Tanqueray-_  
_But everything is shattering, and it's my mistake. "_

 

* * *

 

 

Now Josh was curled into his sheets, facing the blue of his wall. He stared at it. His only movement was the compulsive curling of his fingernails into his duvet. He didn't blink. He only breathed, air coming out quicker than normal, shorter gasps than they should've been.

Tyler was getting married.

Tyler was getting married. He was marrying Jenna. He was marrying her tomorrow.

When Josh had heard the news of their engagement, Josh had just found his feelings, and was on the edge of knowing how to let Tyler know. Let him know how much he felt for him. But he never got the chance.

He could remember how it felt. The breathlessness, how time slowed for a second, how he had to find the flat words of 'Congratulations' and 'I'm so happy for you' to speak. The false smile that graced his face immediately. Of course, he'd been in practice with this. He'd done it for a long time. And now he really needed it. But Tyler didn't notice just how fake it all was. He was happy. Josh wanted him to be happy. He'd seen him sad before, and he had decided that if Tyler was happy with Jenna, then he would leave it alone. He would let them be happy together. Tyler was all that mattered to Josh.

Josh liked Jenna. She was nice, and funny, and pretty. He genuinely liked her, not just because he had to and because he was forced to hang out with her all the time. She was a good person. She deserved everything she had. But he wished he was in her place, either way. He wasn't jealous, per say. He was glad Tyler and her were together. He was just... wishful.

In the worst way possible.

 

* * *

 

 

_" Only fools fall for you, only fools-_  
_Only fools do what I do, only fools fall. "_

 

* * *

 

 

Josh was tangled in one sheet, the corners of it curled around his legs. His face was pressed to the side of his pillow, but he didn't cry. He squeezed his eyes shut and counted to ten to control his breathing.

1, 2, 3.

Josh dug his fingernails into his palms, trying to force his best friend out of his mind. But he couldn't. How could he?

4, 5, 6.

The next day Josh would have to put on the tux, stand at Tyler's wedding, give him and Jenna his blessing, and be the silent, fake happy he's been for so long.

7, 8, 9.

Tomorrow he would have to let go. But he didn't know how.

10.

 

Josh started to cry.


	2. The Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler loves Josh as a brother, as a friend. As a part of his family.   
> Unfortunately Josh wants to love him in any other way but that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Contains sensitive material, may mention self hate/harm, suicide, and have a general air of negativity. Be careful, frens.

_" Growing distance, free of explanation,_   
_We're getting deeper in this mess._   
_Take careful contemplation..._   
_I'd rather be spitting blood-_   
_Than have this silence fuck me up. "_

 

* * *

 

Tyler watched his face in the mirror, silently running his fingers through his hair to fix its shape.

Today he was getting married.

The thought sent happiness through Tyler's body, starting at his face and curling his lips into a smile, the moving its way down as a warmth through his chest, a spark of joy in his heart. It ended as a sparkle of feeling through his fingers and toes. He was grinning into the mirror at himself. He was getting married today. He was getting married, and he was going to spend the rest of his life with the person he loved the most.

Tyler was marrying Jenna.

They had been together for such a long time, but Tyler could remember the exact moment they met, the exact place, how her eyes had lit up as they greeted, how her hand had felt as they gave a handshake, how beautiful he had thought she was. And he still felt that way. He still thought she was beautiful, and perfect, and warm, and he loved her. Tyler was happier than he had ever been in his entire life so far.

Tyler smiled brightly at the mirror and fixed his tie and jacket. He was meant to go outside and see his friends in a moment, share his joy with them, and then he would get married.

It was surreal.

Jenna was a clear sky, she was the daisies that grew in between the tall grasses of a meadow. Jenna felt like a cool breeze on your face when you rode your bike down a hill in the summertime. Jenna was Tyler's everything.

And everybody knew it.

It was clear on his face, and in his eyes.

 _Jenna_.

 

* * *

 

 

_" This separation,_   
_time and space between us..._   
_For some revelation-_   
_You didn't care to discuss._   
_I'd rather be black and blue,_   
_Than accept that you withdrew. "_

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler was laughing. He was smiling harder than he'd ever smiled in his entire life. His friends surrounded him as the reception finished getting ready, and everyone all arround were so happy for him and Jenna.

Tyler was greeting everyone, laughing, smiling, and he was so ready for what was coming. He wanted to spend his life with Jenna. That was all that he wanted.

But something was missing.

As Tyler glanced around, he made the call on what (who) wasn't there. It was Josh.

_Josh._

Where was he?

Josh was his best friend, his bandmate, and a part of him. They'd been close friends for so long now that he couldn't even think of how he'd survived without him in the first place. Josh was one of his layers of armor. Jenna was the other, but he needed Josh too. He wanted Josh here too on his wedding day. What was he doing? He was probably just in the bathroom or something.

Tyler shook his head and cleared his mind to rid himself of the thoughts, smiling again at his friends after what had only been a few seconds. No point in worrying, Josh always pulled through. And he would, today, for him, at least. Tyler knew it.

Josh was always okay.

 

* * *

 

 

_" Just tell me,_   
_Say anything-_   
_Anything hurts less than the quiet. "_

 

* * *

 

 

Josh wasn't Tyler's best man. Tyler's best man was his brother. Josh hadn't minded. Josh never did. Josh was a good friend.

Tyler had left the room to stand at the end of the aisle. A smile graced his face and he watched the floor as he got up to his place. His friends and family were all around, beaming at him, and he looked around to find everybody that he loved. Every single face he needed was staring back up at him with proud eyes, and it made Tyler smile just a bit more.

Tyler looked around for Josh. He wasn't there.

The music started and Tyler put it out of his mind as he looked to the end of the room and saw Jenna come in. She was stunning. More beautiful than ever. Love flowered through his bones and his eyes watched her lovingly as she came down towards him. This was surreal.

Finally, Tyler's eyes landed on a shock of red hair, his best friend, Josh. He was sitting to the side of the aisle as if he'd been there the whole time. Tyler's smile grew a fraction at the sight of him, he was glad he was there. He only watched him for about a second, but he could see the slight smile that was on his face, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. 

Tyler didn't ask himself why.

Instead he faced Jenna as she stepped up beside him and took her hands, the grin splashing back across his face, and started to say the vows they needed.

Tyler kissed Jenna. Everyone cheered. Tyler faced to smile at everyone, hugging Jenna with one arm.

He didn't notice Josh leave the room.


	3. Lost Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh needed to let go of Tyler. He needed to leave him alone.  
> But how could he? Josh didn't know how.  
> Josh couldn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- /This chapter in particular contains self hate, self harm, and suicidal themes. Be careful. Don't read if you're unsure, be safe okay?/
> 
> A/N: I cannot believe I just wrote this and this is /not/ how I wanted it to turn out, but this is the mood I'm in, and this is what happened. I'm sorry, god.

_" So go get runnin', won't you hurry?_   
_While it's light out, while it's early._   
_Before I start to miss any part of this-_   
_And change my mind, whatever. "_

 

* * *

 

 

Josh sat with his legs dangling over the side of his apartment balcony. His knees were pressed through the railing bars, and he swung his feet just slightly, forehead resting against the cool metal as he sighed softly.

His roommate wasn't home. He didn't want to see anyone else.

Well, except maybe Tyler.

But Tyler was on his honeymoon.

Josh curled his fingers around the bars slowly and dug his fingernails into his palms. He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed out shakily, not knowing what to think at this point. He obviously needed to move on, and he knew that. But how could he? Tyler had been his everything for so long.

He tried to let the negative thoughts leave his mind. He tried to think of him, and to be happy for him. Tyler should be happy. He was so happy at his wedding. Josh would give anything to see Tyler be that happy every single day of his life.

But the thoughts didn't leave his head.

Josh missed Tyler already.

His hands shook slightly at the thought of his name, and his mind pictured the smiling face of his best friend.

All warm sand on beaches and the beautiful darkness of the night sky. That was Tyler.

_Tyler._

 

* * *

 

 

 _" I don't care much for locks on the window,_  
 _To keep me at bay_.  
 _I'll leave you one last kiss on your pillow-_  
 _'Fore I fly away. "_

 

* * *

 

 

Josh stood up, fingers trembling just slightly, and they didn't stop even when he clenched his hands into fists. He turned around and walked back inside of his apartment, combing his nails through his vibrant hair and trying to take deep breaths. He was getting anxiety. He was getting dark. He didn't like this.

Josh curved his fingers over the back of one of the kitchen chairs and leaned over it, eyes unfocused as his brain went hazy. Why was he even bothering anymore? Nobody cared. He didn't live around his family anymore. His roommate wasn't a close friend. All of his friends, had other, better friends than him. And Tyler had Jenna. Tyler didn't need him.

Josh choked slightly in the back of his throat and ducked his head at the realization, swearing lowly under his breath and digging his fingers into the chair until they hurt.

What was he supposed to do? What was the point?

He stood back from the table, fingers pushing through his hair with a bit too much movement, yanking at the strands. But the bit of pain was meant to clear his head. It didn't.

Josh walked around the living room in a slow circle, not sure what to do with himself. He was met with the overwhelming, residual urge to hurt himself, and that was how his head responded to his questioning thought process. He closed his eyes tightly. He didn't want to. He wouldn't.

This decision earned him a piercing headache and a dull ringing in his ears. Josh's hands were shaking. He was standing in the middle of his living room, fighting with himself, and the matter didn't even make sense. Josh was lost.

Josh was lost. In his mindspace. And he was freefalling.

 

* * *

 

 

_" So what are you waiting for?_   
_'Cause someone could love you more._   
_I'm just a lost boy, lost boy... "_

 

* * *

 

 

Josh was sitting on the floor of his bathtub, the last time he had been conscious of what he was doing. Apparently he had crawled his way into his bathtub.

He looked down and saw the scratches running up both of his arms.

Josh's blood started to boil. He had told himself he wouldn't hurt himself, and he fucking did. He fisted his fingers into his hair and yelled, for a few seconds, out of sheer frustration. He didn't know how he'd gotten here or why he was like this. But he wouldn't let it keep happening. This was useless. He was useless.

Fucking dumb.

Josh stood up, almost smashing his head into the curtain rod of the shower, and heaved himself out of the tub, arms burning, nerves screaming at him to stop. But he didn't.

He instead leaned over the sink and glared at himself in the mirror. He took his face in. He didn't even look okay. He'd just come from a wedding. Did he look like that all fucking day?

Josh started to pace again, this time in the small bathroom space.

He couldn't believe that he'd walked out of Tyler's wedding sooner than everyone else. Yeah, maybe he loved Tyler. But that was _his_ special day. Josh may as well have ruined it. Then again, he probably didn't. Tyler probably didn't even notice.

The thought sent a shock down his spine, and flung Josh toward his medicine cabinet. At first his hands were searching for pain relievers for his headache. But his hands soon closed around other things. Pills, pills. White, the colour of barren snow fields. Red, the colour of fire and anger. Blue, the colour of oceans. The colour of drowning.

Josh opened the bottles and dumped a palmful of pills into his hands.

He stared at them for a moment. Was he really doing this? Josh could barely remember how he got to this point. He was in a daze.

Mind blank, he paused. His hands were still shaking, his head still hurt, he was seeing shadows in the corners of his eyes and his ears kept ringing. His stomach had a hollow ache that reminded him of his thought process, that he was stupid, that he didn't matter, that everybody around him could do better.

Josh felt the stinging pain of what he'd done to his arms and it brought him back into the real world.

He walked out into the kitchen, clutching the pills in one of his hands tightly, and taking deep breaths, but nothing else.

He looked around his apartment. His eyes rested over the falling sun outside, the mess he'd left there in the morning trying to get ready, and the pictures on the shelf of his friends and family.

He would miss this all.

He wondered if he could have the same house in a second life.

A few tears trailed out of Josh's eyes and he angrily swiped at them, trying to make a decision.

Pacing over to the counter, he picked up a notepad and began to scribble down his only thought,

" _I'm sorry_."

Withdrawing, Josh looked down at his hand and opened it to see the pills, staring at them  for a moment again.

_Useless. Dumb._

_Annoying._

**_Not good enough._ **

Josh closed his eyes tightly to try and stop his mind from assaulting him, breathing out shakily and letting out a quiet sob.

Why was this happening to him?

He had been an okay person, so far, he thought.

Apparently not good enough.

 

* * *

 

 

_" I say I wanna settle down,_   
_Build your hopes up like a tower._   
_I'm giving you the run around._   
_I'm just a lost boy-_   
_Not ready to be found. "_

 

* * *

 

 

Josh watched the colours move past his eyes as he pushed the pills into his mouth and swallowed.

White, nothing.

Red, nothing.

Blue, nothing.

Josh thought nothing.

Josh was nothing.

He swallowed.

He went to his bedroom. He laid down. He closed his eyes.

Josh sighed.

Josh relaxed.

 

_I love you._

 

The phone rang.

 

 


	4. A/N

Hello everyone, okay.  
People have been all over me saying that I 'can't possibly end the fanfic in this way.'  
Good news for you, this is turning into a full project.

  
You can thank [Marsakat](http://archiveofourown.org/users/marsakat), my new co-author, for convincing me.

New chapter coming soon hopefully, sorry this is just a shitty little note, didn't mean to get you all excited.

 

Enjoy, xo


	5. Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh could feel the world pressing in on his mind.  
> He was so close.
> 
> So close to letting go, but so far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- /This chapter in particular contains self hate, self harm, and suicidal themes. Be careful. Don't read if you're unsure, be safe okay?/

_ “ This voice inside, _

_ Has been eating at me. _

_ Trying to replace the love that I fake- _

_ With what we both need. “ _

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler was okay. Tyler was doing just fine.

Tyler had a new life and a new wife.  And Josh was dying.

 

Dying.

 

All alone, and writing stupid, useless poems in his head.

 

Josh wanted to claw at his scalp, removing the layers and exposing the turmoil beneath. He thought about the poison leaking into his bloodstream, the darkness, and he’d slip away. Josh hoped his body wouldn’t fight it, maybe he should have drank the bottle of vodka his roommate kept in the cabinet.  

 

Josh’s head felt black. Josh’s head felt like the darkest water he’d ever seen.

 

Why was this taking so long, and would that phone stop ringing already? The sound of it had a piercing wailing that made his ears ring. He stood on shaking legs, wondering if that was from the weight of his decision or the pills beginning to take effect. 

 

His phone was on the kitchen table and he tripped over his own feet...definitely the pills now. His head was fuzzy and he felt so, so tired. The black he was feeling picked at the edges of his eyes.

 

Josh crawled the rest of the way, grabbing his phone to find who dared disturb his peaceful death.

 

“H‘lo?”

 

“Yo Josh! I’m heading home now. You want me to pick up a pizza or something?”

 

The voice was a warm yellow, the colour of buttercups. Happy. It was his roommate, Dustin.

 

* * *

 

 

_ “ Awake, wide eyed, _

_ I'm screaming at me... _

_ Trying to keep faith and picture his face, _

_ Staring up at me. “ _

 

* * *

 

 

Josh’s mouth went dry and he suddenly felt it hard to breathe. 

 

“I-” Josh’s tongue couldn’t form the words and suddenly he was swooning. The phone fell from between his fingers onto the floor, and he heard the screen crack. Dustin’s voice came through the phone, slightly panicked now. And Josh saw red.

 

“S-sorry.”

 

“What’s happening? Are you okay?” Dustin’s little voice came through the speakers inches away from Josh’s head as he landed upon the ground next to the abandoned phone.

 

“No ‘m-” 

 

Was the red from the heat overtaking his body? He could feel the sweat and shivers shake him to the core, but his mind was in a different place. He was tired of fighting, he was too tired to care that he was lying on the floor. Josh hoped that wherever he was, that Tyler was having a good day.

 

He deserved that.

 

Josh started to fade out and he could hear Dustin’s panicked swearing on the other end of the phone. He didn’t mind. The colour behind his eyes was a pale blue. It was calming, peaceful. Like the beach.

  
Josh closed his eyes.

 

He wanted to go there.

 

* * *

 

 

_ “ Without changing a part of me, _

_ How do I get to heaven? _

_ All my time is wasted- _

_ Feeling like my heart's mistaken… “ _

 

* * *

 

 

Josh’s eyelids blinked open slowly a few minutes later, his attempt at rest disturbed by loud voices, flashlights in his eyes, and reds-and-blues illuminating the ceiling through the window. His vision was blurry and he was hearing as if he was underwater, mind groggy.

 

The red, white, and blue lights flashed in succession as he was lifted up, up, onto a stretcher. The colours were nothing. They were the colours of pills.

 

Josh’s thoughts were clouded and he couldn’t grasp onto much, he was shaking too hard and his teeth rattled. But one word said aloud was enough to bring him from the fog. 

  
Tyler.

 

Josh began to panic, his mind in a prison, his body the cage as it failed to follow his commands.  He could hear Dustin’s sweet buttercup voice next to him and he choked slightly, his throat clogged and only a little air passed into his lungs. There was mask over his face and he could feel so many faces staring down at him. Too many.

 

Josh wanted to reach out to Dustin--if he was unable to speak, to just apologize with a touch.  But all Josh’s body could manage was to grab the guardrail, and his fingers twitched around it before a hand curled over his.

 

“J--h?” Was all he heard from Dustin, but he got the jist. 

 

He was desperate. He thought he could hear his heart jolting around in his chest.  Was it about to stop?

 

Josh’s thoughts locked back onto what he needed to get out.

 

“Don’t-” He stuttered out, voice quiet and laboured. “‘N’t- tell- T-” Josh took as deep a breath as he could manage, forcing himself to finish his last request, “-Tyler.” Then the stretcher was moving and Dustin’s hand slipped away from his.  He silently prayed that he’d gotten the message.

 

Josh settled back against the stretcher as they eventually pushed him outside. He felt like he was floating. If this was what dying felt like, it wasn’t so bad. Not at all.  He could hear someone yelling at him to stay awake, but Josh ignored the demands and closed his eyes, hopefully for the last time.

 

Josh passed out.


	6. Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is such a long chapter, I am in love.  
> Marsakat did so good on this one, go read her stuff mkay?  
> If you're sensitive about hospitals and suicide mentions (relating to the last chapter) please proceed with caution.

_ “ I can’t say no, _

_ Though the lights are on- _

_ There’s nobody home. “ _

 

* * *

 

 

_ Josh was flying. _

_   
_ _ His wings outstretched through the bright, crystal clear blue sky, and he was smiling. Josh was happy. _

 

_ Feeling the wind on his face, the warm sun shining off of his skin. This was perfect. This is exactly where he wanted to be. He couldn’t believe that it took him so long to get here. After all, wasn’t this what everybody wanted, in the end? Peace? _

 

_ Josh looked ahead of him, clouds dancing around his eyes. He felt blue. But Josh was a happy blue. _

 

_ Soon darkness started to pick at the edges of his vision, and Josh faltered. What was wrong now? What had he done? Nothing, Josh had done nothing- _

 

_ He could hear the sound of his pulse, and the pretty scene of a sky in front of him was soon replaced with something much less beautiful. Storm clouds replaced white, dreamy landscapes, and soon thunder from a storm grew louder than the heartbeat ringing in Josh’s ears. _

 

_ The colours were moving away. It scared him. _

_   
_ _ The blue feeling faded into a grey, then a black, and Josh fell from the sky. _

 

\------------------------------------------------------

It’s just another day at work, another body overdosing, one in a thousand suicide attempts the doctors and nurses see on a regular basis.  It’s not a lack of sympathy or cruelty with which they approach this patient--it’s just doing what needs to be done, and not thinking about the person and why they came to that point.  If one doesn’t compartmentalize the suffering they see on a daily basis, it wouldn’t be possible to fix the hurt and broken.  To pronounce a time of death for a life taken too early, and then immediately go to the next patient, trying to fight off the reaper.

 

Sure, at some point someone would wonder what led this person to try to end it.  But right now their focus was just trying to stop him from trying to die on their table.  Breathing not sufficient?  Put a tube down his throat, filling his lungs with forced air.  Belly full of pills required detective work; antidepressants, diazepam, percocet, acetaminophen, loratadine--a whole bag full of empty bottles the paramedics found and brought.  It was easy to insert a tube to empty out the stomach, and once they knew what medications were taken, antidotes were given.

 

Stabilized but still critical, the heartbeat irregular and breaths supported by a ventilator, it was time to just watch and wait.  Once the emergency was over, the monitoring began with reactions to any changes or complications.  Sometimes there were loved ones present for these patients, and sometimes they were alone.  The roommate was allowed to hover in the corner of the room, frantically making phone calls to all the necessary people.  But at this point, the person in the bed would know nothing besides the sweet sleep of midazolam and the leftover poison they had taken.

 

* * *

 

 

_ “ Swore I’d never lose control… _

_ Then I fell in love with a heart that beats so slow. ” _

 

* * *

 

 

_ Josh was swimming. _

 

_ He was underwater, looking up at the surface, seeing the light reflect off of the surface of the water and spotting shapes in the ripples. _

 

_ He could feel the cool pressure against his skin, and though the ocean wasn’t stinging his eyes, he closed them anyway. His thoughts felt like they could go for miles. _

 

_ Moving his fingers through the water slowly, Josh felt blue. But it was a peaceful blue. _

 

_ Josh opened his eyes again and swam up towards the shining surface, presumably to take a breath. This feeling was different. Josh was completely relaxed, and as he felt the sun hit his forehead, he wanted to breathe. Josh wanted to keep moving. _

 

_ But suddenly Josh felt a tug at his ankle, and the surface of the water was moving farther away. He could kick his legs as hard as he wanted and would get nowhere. _

 

_ The water around him started to darken, and he shook as he tried to claw his way up and out of the ocean, back to where he needed to be. His body tensed with the effort, his mind whirled, and he knew, eventually, he’d need to take a breath. _

 

_ But Josh couldn’t, and Josh’s eyes closed. _

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

Dustin blamed himself of course.  How could he not have seen how close Josh was to the edge?  Josh hadn't been his usual self when he’d gotten back from the wedding, but Dustin didn’t confront him about it.  And now here they were; machines breathing for him, heavily sedated because when it wore off, he would fight.  Hands coming up to pull out essential tubes, and his body seizing violently from all the medications.  It was as if he still had that unconscious desire to kill himself, end it all.  Monitors would alarm and a nurse would come in almost casually, to administer more sedative and then Josh would relax and it’d all be terribly quiet again.

 

The hospital had notified Josh’s parents and they were already flying over.  Mark was coming too, Dustin had called him during Josh’s first seizure since he was the other person Dustin know that Josh trusted without a doubt.  Another friend to keep vigil, because Dustin couldn’t do this alone right now. 

 

There wasn’t anything more Dustin wanted to do than to call Tyler.  He should be here, he should be holding Josh’s hand and wiping the sweat off Josh’s pale forehead.  But Josh’s last words rolled in his brain.  Why had he asked for Tyler to be kept in the dark? Was he trying to protect Tyler? Was he ashamed of what he did?

 

‘ _ I’m sorry _ ’ said the message, scrawled in Josh’s ever-messy handwriting.  But who was it to? What had happened?

 

Nothing was clear anymore, and Dustin continued to watch his silent, still friend lay in the bed.  Exhaustion and guilt overtook him and he sighed, resting his head in his hands.

 

* * *

 

 

_ “ I want you, _

_ Colour me blue. _

_ Anything it takes to make you stay. ” _

 

* * *

 

 

_ Josh was sitting in a courtyard. _

 

_ The cold breeze blew across his face, stinging his skin slightly. But he didn’t mind. It was nice right here, pretty. _

 

_ Snow was drifting down from the sky and covering the ground in a blanket. It layered over the hibernating grass and froze the cobblestones, looking a bit like icing sugar on a fresh cake. _

 

_ It was cold outside, but Josh didn’t mind. It was cooling, calming, out here. The temperature was affecting his mood, and it was an easy way for him to get away from everything. _

 

_ Josh felt blue. But the blue was cooling down his fast-paced headspace. _

 

_ But soon Josh began to shiver, and his hands started to shake. He pulled his sleeves over his hands, but it didn’t seem to make any difference. Josh was confused. The wind hadn’t picked up, the sun was still in the same place in the sky. _

 

_ But the temperature kept dropping, and no matter how hard Josh rubbed his hands together, no matter how much he breathed warm lungfuls of air onto his fingers, he didn’t get any warmer. He couldn’t stand. He was slowly freezing, and as the temperature dropped, so did his spirits. _

 

_ This couldn’t be happening again. But it was. _

 

_ Josh watched his fingers turn purple, blue, black, and soon the darkened colours were moving across his skin and inside of him. _

 

_ Josh collapsed. _

 

\------------------------------------------------------

Dustin picked up Josh’s family and Mark at the airport, and it was a silent, somber group that came down the escalators to baggage claim.  Few words were exchanged as they embraced in greeting, everyone looking years older than they had just days before.  Dustin and Mark felt like intruders to the grief and worry, and they left Josh’s parents at the hospital entrance so they could visit privately.  The two of them would drop the bags off at the hotel for them and join later.

 

By the time they all were at the hospital together, progress had been made.  The breathing tube was removed, but Josh continued to sleep, unknowing he was the sole topic of discussion.  Dustin had hoped that more minds, more people that knew Josh so very well, would be able to answer his questions.  But even the people that raised him couldn’t understand why Josh had been driven to this point.  Mark was dumbfounded, his dad was confused. Dustin had still come up with nothing after hours of circular conversations. 

 

Josh’s mom, however, had an inkling of a feeling, but she didn’t know just what it was. It felt as if it was on the tip of her tongue, a point she couldn’t quite get her finger on.  

 

Everyone else in the group, was divided on the next topic, which was Tyler and whether or not to call him. Only Josh’s mom was adamant about telling him.  Everyone else, seemed to want to respect Josh’s wish not to let him know, no matter how much they disagreed. But they all wanted the best thing for Josh, and she knew that. She felt the same, although… She knew that they needed to call Tyler.  To tell him how close he’d been to losing his best friend, her son--it would tear him apart almost as much as she felt watching her eldest son unresponsive.

 

They couldn’t  _ not _ tell Tyler. Whatever Josh seemed to be thinking, he would find out eventually.  This wasn’t something that could stay hidden forever.   And Tyler was Josh’s best friend in the whole world, even he had said it himself. No matter how many of his friends and family were here, no matter how well Josh could cope without him, Tyler needed to be by his side.

 

They came to the conclusion on the second day of them all being at the bedside.  When this became the new normal. Josh and Tyler had a bond that ran deeper than friendship, and if Josh was ever going to get any better, Tyler needed to be here.

 

It was unanimous decision after all those hours of debate.  Josh’s father was the one to make the call to Tyler, but his phone was busy.  If Mark racked his brains, he had a vague memory that Tyler was probably just on his way back from his honeymoon.  Probably in a plane back to Columbus, blissfully unaware of what had transpired.  

  
“Hello Tyler.  Please call me back as soon as you get this.  It’s about Josh.”

 

It was a quick message, not wanting to put too much out there.  To panic Tyler more than he would be hearing from Josh’s dad completely out of context. It was all very… unfortunate timing, but they did it anyway. ( _ Josh would’ve been happy to know that he hadn’t ruined the honeymoon completely) _ .

 

\------------------------------------------------------

_ Josh was standing in the rain. _

 

_ He didn’t know exactly where he was, or why he was here, but all above him dark clouds were swirling, and the dull rumble of thunder passed by his ears like a fog. _

 

_ Josh stood still, and watched clear, cool, peaceful droplets of water drip off of his eyelashes, down the bridge of his nose, and then tumble to the ground. _

 

_ He smiled slowly and held his arms out to feel the drops hit his skin. It was like a little piece of the sky was falling, and he was able to touch each of them as they came. _

 

_ Eventually, Josh started to walk, stepping through puddles, and he realized he was in a field full of dull-coloured, tall grasses. A flash of pale purple passed through his mind. Serenity. _

 

_ Standing still again, Josh looked up at the sky. He frowned. He could feel the scene coming to an end. And by now, he knew what would happen. _

 

_ He watched the near-black clouds move in the sky, reminding him of a too-dark, underground place, until the feeling began to suffocate him.  _

 

_ Josh saw the sky lit up, flashing his eyelids white and yellow, and could barely see the beacon of jagged energy strike down from the sky. It reflected into his eyes, filling up his features, and his face turned into an expression of wonder. Unfortunately it was short-lived. _

 

_ All too quickly, the beam hit him, and he fell to the ground. _

 

\------------------------------------------------------

Josh wasn’t aware of opening his eyes the first few times he began to wake up.  It was all so  hazy and he felt too sick when he allowed his consciousness float to the surface.  There were huge gaps in his memory while exiting his coma; and the visions would terrify him away from being back in the real world.  Josh would forget what he’d done and where he was, and wonder about the murmur of voices around him.  He’d hear his mother say his name, and he’d hide in shame.

 

He was awake for five minutes and no one noticed, and he was able to conclude it was nighttime because the hospital lights were dimmed.  There weren’t any visitors at his bedside, and no nurses in the room--maybe it was like The Walking Dead and he was the last person alive.

 

Alternative universes aside, he felt like a lead anchor falling--of course no one was here for him.  Josh was all alone, unloved, hated for all the ruin he caused.  He deserved this, he deserved this--

 

But he didn’t have enough energy to fight for death anymore, and he tipped back to a sleep that felt like a blink. His head was still, blank, and any dreams were absent, for once- and when Josh opened his eyes, the lights were on, and he was far from alone. When he saw his family, he seemed to slip into a state of shock. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t need to, Josh just froze, and stared, and his family cried, and hugged. Everyone was so happy that he was okay, but Josh was not.  He was far from okay, even though he was no longer actively dying.

 

He felt embarrassment burn hot at Mark and Dustin being there, seeing him so weak.  But they grinned widely, eyes worn out and dull.  Josh didn’t know what to say to them to make it any better.  Even though it was a just short time awake, Josh felt his energy seeping away as he studied the scene and the people before him.  It felt like ages to realize there was no sign of Tyler.

 

If Tyler knew, he’d be here, and since Tyler wasn’t here, he probably didn’t know.  And upon this realization, Josh groggily felt a sense of relief settle over his shoulders and his chest, a warm safety blanket of a rusty orange colour. Unfortunately it was short-lived, and through the haze of his stunned vision, Josh could see his dad pick up a phone call. 

 

He focused on his lips moving, just long enough to see the first word they formed-

 

“Tyler.”

  
The name was a bright forest-green, and it took a minute for Josh to understand, but when he did, his transparent, blue-grey mindspace crumbled into dust again.


	7. Swimming Pools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been busy !!

“  _ I plant my feet and I clench my teeth, _

_ I can’t outrun what’s coming after me _ . “

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler smiled back at Jenna, wheeling his suitcase through the baggage claim and pausing for her to follow him. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on, looking over as she rested her hand against his shoulder and blew out a breath, stretching her flight-cramped arms out in front of her.

 

“Want to get coffee after this?” Tyler laughed softly.

 

“You read my mind.” She kissed his cheek and walked over to grab their second suitcase off the conveyor, ahead of him, and he smiled, helping her lift it off, before looking back to his phone, which was now fully turned on.

 

He was happy to be home, but he’d had a great time with Jenna.  No tour, no obligations, no one else but them. He watched her for a moment, taking her in, glowing, and then looked back to his phone.

 

Tyler had one missed voicemail, so he opened it to see who had called.

 

It took him a minute to register the number, and he blinked, frowning slightly. Josh’s dad had left him a voicemail. Why? Josh’s dad almost never called him, ever, and if he did, he’d shoot a text instead of leaving a message. Tyler’s heart was pounding, hard. Something must have happened. He didn’t know what, and he didn’t know how, but it must’ve, Tyler just knew, Tyler had a very bad feeling.  He blindly followed Jenna with the suitcases over to a nearby coffee shop, holding his phone up to his ear to listen to the message.

 

The message was short and simple, and Tyler’s mouth dried completely as he took the phone away from his ear to stare at it in his hand. Jenna had left her suitcase beside a table with two chairs, and was getting ready to order them something, but she had stopped to look at Tyler.

 

“Ty?” She asked slowly. “What’s up-?” Her voice slowly brought him out of the daze and he looked up at her slowly, breathing out the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding.

  
“I just have to make a call, I’ll be a minute.” She nodded slowly and offered him a hesitant smile, because she now knew something was wrong, too. Tyler tried to return the gesture but failed, and he stepped to the side of the eatery, calling Josh’s dad back and leaning against the wall, hoping he’d pick up.

 

Everything had been going so perfectly, so well. Why now?

 

Josh’s dad picked up and he murmured “Tyler?” He couldn’t force any words out of his mouth for a moment, and his reply ended up being very delayed.

 

“..Yes?” He answered, plugging his other ear with his free hand so that he could hear what Josh’s dad had to say. He heard an audible sigh, but wasn’t sure what motivated it, and then a reply.

 

“Hello, Tyler.” There was a pause, as if he was gathering his words, and the hairs on the back of Tyler’s neck stood up. He just wanted him to spit it out.

  
“Something’s happened.” He said slowly. “To Josh.”

 

Tyler breathed out slowly, trying to stay calm and take it in the best he could. He knew it. He knew something had happened. He just hoped Josh was okay or going to be at least.

 

Tyler ended up over thinking this for a good minute or so as the silence on the other line spiraled horribly, until finally Josh’s dad interrupted his thoughts and gave him the verdict.

 

“There’s, uh...there’s no other way to put it.  He tried to commit suicide, Tyler.” 

 

Tyler’s blood ran cold and the bottom fell out from the world. He was in disbelief for a moment, then his hands started to shake, and he pushed dry speech through his lips in a frantic effort to figure out what to do.

 

“Wh-when? Is he--”  Tyler couldn’t say the word.  Couldn’t believe he was hearing the worst news of his life.  Walls were closing in on him.

 

“He just woke up for a moment a few minutes ago.  Been unconscious for a few days--I guess it’s four days ago.  He overdosed on pills but Dustin got to him just in the nick of time.  We’re all here now.”

 

Tyler was taking heavy breaths, knowing a panic attack was around the corner.  The phone line crackled.  There wasn’t anything to say.  He didn’t want to hear any more details until he was there, able to see what had happened to his best friend.  

 

“On my way,” Tyler said and ended the call. 

 

His hands were shaking so hard, he dropped the phone while trying to put it in his pocket. Tyler swore loudly, which he barely ever did, drawing the glares of a passing family.  He swooped to pick it up, and all but stumbled over towards Jenna again.  She’d been watching him and he could read her fear and confusion on her face.

 

“What’s wrong, Tyler?  Was that your parents?” Jenna grabbed his hands and he shook his head, unable to speak.  “Baby you got to tell me what’s going on.  I can help.”

 

He opened his mouth and a single choked, sobbed syllable fell from his lips, “Josh--”

 

Jenna flew into action; grabbing his arm and leading him and somehow managing to juggle the suitcases to the nearest secluded place--the women’s bathroom.  It was thankfully empty, and she flipped the lock as Tyler sunk down the wall to the floor.  He clutched his head in his hands and panted for air, exhaling broken sobs.

 

He was only aware of the warmth of her arms as she wrapped around him, making soothing noises and rubbing circles in his skin.  She didn’t know what to say to her new husband, the love of her life, as he cried like the world was falling apart--and maybe it was.  She knew Josh was so important to him, and Jenna could only assume the worst had happened.

 

Jenna didn’t move for a while, she hugged herself around him, trying to protect him, and she waited a few minutes or so until she could feel his shoulders shaking less, his breathing coming easier. She didn’t want to make him talk about it. But they needed to, she needed to know what was happening, what they needed to do now.

 

“Tyler,” She started slowly, leaning back a bit to look at him. His fingers were threaded into his hair, a bit too tightly, and she rubbed one of his hands gently to get him to release his grip. She breathed out and paused.

  
“Tyler, what’s going on?” He rubbed his eyes with his now-free hand and so she continued, voice soft and careful. “Baby, please tell me, I can help, c’mon-” She rubbed one of his shoulders with her thumb and watched him in concern as he took in a shaky breath and gathered himself to be able to reply.

 

* * *

 

 

“  _ So I close my eyes and just visualize- _

_ The greener skies on the other side.  _ “

 

* * *

 

 

Replying to Jenna was one of the hardest things Tyler had done. He loved her, he trusted her, but he couldn’t quite get the words, he couldn’t find them in his mouth- His worry was a thick mist covering his thoughts, it was hindering how he could function. Tyler couldn’t say anything for a very long few minutes. But Jenna was patient. Jenna could tell he was trying. She’d been around him long enough to feel that.

 

“Josh-” Tyler’s throat choked him off and he struggled to clear it before continuing. “-Tried to-” He took a breath and pulled his hand from his hair, digging his fingers into both of his palms and resting his fists against his knees. Jenna tried to help him out.

 

“Ty.. Did Josh try to... Hurt himself?” She asked slowly, trying to be gentle, voice careful. Her clear eyes rested against his tear-stained face, looking for signs of a reaction, but Tyler just nodded, and Jenna breathed out quickly, shaking her head and hugging him tight for a moment again.

 

“Babe, is he okay?” She asked slowly, and Tyler whispered a near-silent “Don’t know,” in her ear, which made her bite her lip and pause before speaking again. This was bad. “Do you want to go see him?” At this, Tyler nodded quickly, and seemed to react better than he had for the last twenty minutes. He pushed himself to his feet, and Jenna quickly stood up in front of him, letting him go but rubbing his shoulder slowly.

 

He rubbed his eyes. He needed to see Josh, quick, as fast as he could, he just needed to get there. He just wanted Josh to be okay. He could barely breathe. He had to be fine.

 

Right now, his vision was filtered through tears against his eyes, giving his sight a grey tint, and he barely found the energy to look up at Jenna.  He surrendered control to her, letting her guide him upstairs to the ticket counter to get on the next possible flight to LA.  Their bags were taken away and she directed him to the security line, because Tyler was too numb, too consumed with his thoughts.  He didn’t even notice her receive texts from Mark ( _ “are you with Tyler?” -yes, you’re with Josh? “Yeah.” -how bad is it? “Rough, but Josh is going to pull through.” Thank God. Did you get a flight?” -We’re boarding in 30 minutes. Tyler isn’t doing too well.  What happened?). _

 

She waited until they were sitting in front of the gate, knowing it was best to draw him out of his mind and let him verbalize his thoughts before the next attack built.

 

“Ty?  Please tell me what you’re feeling,” she asked tentatively, taking his hand.

 

“So much.  I’m scared.  He nearly died and I didn’t know.  I almost lost him--we might still lose him.  I don’t know what to do if--”  Tyler curled in on himself, as if the weight of the worries were too much to hold against the push of gravity.

 

“Let’s not focus on the if.  Let’s stay in the present, c’mon now breathe for me,” she counted a few breaths out until Tyler was able to look up at her, “Josh is alive.  You’re going to see him in a few hours.  Mark said he’s okay right now.”

 

“But I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most.  I didn’t call him, I didn’t check he was okay.  I should’ve known! He’s my best friend.  I’m supposed to help him and I had no idea,” Tyler lifted his head to meet her eyes.

 

“It isn’t fair to yourself to say that.  You are a good friend to Josh, and you know that when someone is depressed and tries to hurt themselves, it’s hard to let anyone in,” She said firmly, “Josh is getting the care he needs and you’re going to be there for him.”

 

This seems enough to calm Tyler, and he stayed tense until they got onto the plane, but he soon dozed off for a while after they got seated and took off.  Jenna kept a wary eye on him, knowing he’ll probably wake up with some new worry.  They’re about two hours away from landing when Tyler wakes up with a start, glancing around with wide eyes and gasps for air.  She’s already ready with a glass of water and soft words.

 

“Mark knows? He’s there?” Tyler asked, and she nodded.  “How come he knew and I didn’t?  Why didn’t they tell me?”

 

Jenna opened and closed her mouth, unsure how to respond.  She had been prepared with a response to everything Tyler had been saying, but she should have known Tyler would’ve figured it out.  And Jenna did not want to show him the message from Mark saying “the last thing Josh said was ‘don’t tell Tyler’.”

 

“I don’t know,” she said, which was only a half life since no one truly knew  _ why _ Josh had said that.

 

Tyler fell into silence as tears started falling.

 

* * *

 

 

“  _ But I see a lighthouse, in the distance, _

_ calling my name _ . “

 

* * *

 

 

When the plane landed, Tyler woke up for the second time dazedly, and as a result he was stumbling down the aisle after Jenna. His sight seemed to be blurred, even though it wasn’t, really, and he couldn’t hear properly; it was distorted like he was underwater. She closed her fingers around his wrist, firmly but gently, and pulled him along after her, glancing back every so often to make sure he was still moving his feet.

 

They managed to get off the plane and to the luggage claim, in a completely different city and emotional state than earlier in the day. Tyler said nothing the whole way there, only nodding or shaking his head in response, and Jenna, who could only guess as to how he felt, didn’t press the issue. She pulled their bags off of the conveyor belt with only a short struggle- she was determined to get Tyler to the hospital where Josh was, because that’s what he needed, he needed to just see that Josh was okay. That’s all for right now.

 

Tyler robotically closed his fingers around one of the suitcase’s handles and tugged it along on wheels behind them. Jenna led him out of the airport and hailed a taxi. They got in, but Tyler felt nothing. Tyler felt like a desert. Tyler felt like a snowy field. Tyler couldn’t even think. Or, he was thinking too much.  He stared at the passing scenery while Jenna talked on the phone to someone, probably Mark.  Tyler didn’t care about where they were going to stay, what would happen to their luggage.  He didn’t even know at this point if he wanted to even see Josh; what was waiting for him in the hospital bed?

 

Mark enveloped him in a hug down in the hospital lobby, murmuring something meant to be soothing but Tyler was too nervous to comprehend.  His mouth was too dry for words, nodding as Mark spoke to the two of them.

 

“Josh is so much better right now.  He’s been awake for the past hour and the doctors say he’s out of the woods,” Mark told them on the elevator.  He had awful bags under his eyes, but looked relieved.

 

Jenna nodded beside him, having let him go, and Tyler could hear her sigh, relieved as well, but he barely gave a reaction. He swallowed and breathed out slowly. “Okay.” He murmured, speaking for the first time in quite a while.

 

Tyler knew he’d have to see Josh now. And he was happy that he was okay. It was just- he didn’t know how to show it. He felt like a plain, unmoving landscape, and he didn’t know what to say. Heck, Tyler didn’t even know if he was ready to see Josh, if he would be able to handle it. He continued anyways. “Where is he?” He asked softly, voice even, but starting to crack and crumble around the edges.

 

Mark nodded, letting him go and glancing over at Jenna before leading them into the elevator and then to the floor where Josh was located. None of them spoke on the way there. None of them needed to. None of them had anything to say.

 

It was all a haze until they were finally standing in front of Josh’s room. Mark told them that Josh’s siblings were getting coffee for his parents, and soon Tyler was only vaguely aware that Josh’s parents were hugging him in the hallway, thanking him for coming, telling him everything that Mark already had. Tyler replied with blank nods and slow breaths, and was grateful when Jenna rested her hand against his shoulder and steered him aside. She locked her eyes onto his for a moment, holding his shoulders and acting as a ground for him.

 

“Are you okay?” She asked evenly, trying to stop her voice from shaking, now that they were finally here. She was worried, so worried for Josh, and for Tyler, and for everyone else. She just needed to make sure he would be alright before they moved on.

 

Tyler answered with a quick nod, and let himself follow Jenna’s deep breathing and gentle words as he was let go and he turned to the door. He stared at the metal for a moment, and though it was short, it felt like forever, and he could feel Jenna’s gentle fingers against his back, tracing circles against his shirt, her soft words of encouragement, and he opened the door.

 

“W-wait here.  I want to see Josh alone.  Okay?”  He said, and she nodded.  Everyone there knew that it was better to leave them alone. It’d be easier for the both of them this way.

 

Tyler let the door close behind him slowly, and heard the quiet click of metal. But he didn’t pay attention, his eyes were glued elsewhere.

 

Laying in front of him, bandaged and still in the hospital bed, was Josh.  His hair was messy as always, but faded out, and his usually-vibrant eyes looked empty.  Tyler’s feet were glued to the floor. He had never seen Josh so wan; the light blue of the hospital gown only augmenting the pallor.  He looked completely and utterly deteriorated. How had this happened? How hadn’t he known?   
  
When Josh finally locked their eyes together, Tyler almost looked away. He could barely breathe. He couldn’t think. It was a long few seconds, the heart monitor beating a steady rhythm in the silence between them before Tyler could finally speak.  Only able to whisper a simple syllable.

 

“Josh.” He breathed.

 

* * *

 

 

“  _ But I can't get there 'til I go through all of this pain. _ “


	8. Too Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I was away !!  
> Topics in this chapter include hospitals, negative self-image, etc.. Be careful!

“  _ Scared my love, you'll go. _

_ Spend my love, heart broke. _

_ So my love don't show- _

_ Scared my love, you'll go. _ “

 

* * *

 

 

Josh knew this was coming. He honestly should’ve known, that it would happen eventually. Of course they would call Tyler. But he had believed, even if just for a minute- he honestly thought that Tyler wouldn’t have to see him like this. And that Tyler wouldn’t be sad, or guilty, or have his honeymoon ruined. But now he was here, and it was Josh’s fault, and Josh, through his thick-minded state, felt a twinge of his pre-attempt feelings push back at him.

 

“Josh.” He heard Tyler sigh out, his voice relieved, shocked, confused. Sad. Everything Josh didn’t want.

 

Josh didn’t reply. He didn’t meet Tyler’s eyes. He just stared at a square tile in the white, clean hospital floor. White and clean. That was a good way to be.

 

He heard the silence that followed, Tyler watching him, taking it in. He heard him walk a few steps closer, stop at the foot of his bed, hesitate.  Josh wanted to be far away from here, not listening to Tyler struggle to find words.  He didn’t know what he wanted Tyler to say--not words of love or support, because Josh didn’t deserve that.  He should be getting yelled at, Tyler should hate him.

 

Tyler breathed out again, and through the corner of his eyes Josh could tell that he was running his fingers through his hair, something that he did when he was stressed out or upset. Well, fuck. Josh didn’t want that. Josh didn’t want any of this. He felt mild panic begin to bubble up in his stomach, and he tried to ignore it, as if that would make everything go away. He wanted to turn into the clean white tile on the hospital floor. Unmoving. Perfect. Maybe if he wished at it hard enough, it would happen.

 

“What the heck happened, Josh?” Tyler asked, voice betraying that he was more in shock than anything else. “One second you were there- at my wedding- and you were fine- and now you’re-” Tyler cut himself off and sighed, and though Josh couldn’t see him, didn’t want to see him, he assumed he was shaking his head, and eventually heard the quiet click of his feet as he began to pace anxiously.

 

Josh was starting to get anxious now too. His headspace felt orange, orange-red, colour of fire, colour of worry, and he was starting to fidget his fingers against his bedsheets. He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to hear Tyler worry, or be upset, or concerned. He wanted Tyler to leave. But even though he told himself that, he knew it was a lie, because he wanted Tyler more than anything. And that’s what made him feel that much worse.

 

* * *

 

 

“  _ Fingers walk your thigh- _

_ Breathe my love, get high. _

_ And oh, I'm so scared… _ “

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler was quiet for a while longer, well- more like a few seconds, but it felt so much longer, to Josh, anyway. And the silence hanging over his hospital bed was almost suffocating, and when it was interrupted by Tyler’s speaking once again, that wasn’t much better.

 

“You’re my best friend, don’t you know that?  I’d do anything for you.”  Josh had to hold back a scoff, knowing that wasn’t true.  Tyler wouldn’t--Tyler couldn’t do everything for him, couldn’t be there for him in the way he wanted.  He didn’t react, still. Didn’t want to. It didn’t feel right. Not at all. Tyler went on, grasping at loose straws.

 

“Josh I just- you should’ve told me.” He murmured, shuffling his feet slightly and looking down, wringing his fingers together. “I love you, a lot, you’re a big part of my life and I don’t know what would’ve happened if you’d-” Tyler cut himself off, not wanting to say what he was thinking, and if it wasn’t saving the reality from Josh, it was saving it from himself.

 

Josh’s mind cleared into a pale grey, an empty landscape filled with only the harsh reality of the conversation at hand. He hated this. Tyler  _ loved  _ him, so he said. As if, no he didn’t. Not enough, at least. Not enough to stop Josh from hating himself this much. He did scoff, this time. It was just a short, exasperated exhale of air, but Tyler heard it, and before Josh could even regret what he’d done, Tyler was looking up at him.

 

“Can you just  _ talk _ to me? _ ” _

 

Tyler’s voice was filled with sudden emotion and desperation, and Josh finally looked up. The colours that moved through his subconscious were an indescribable blend, and he couldn’t pinpoint what was happening, not not. He stared at Tyler for at least ten seconds, trying to find words to say. Then, he said all that he could think of.

 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, near-silent, voice rough and throat raw from both his mistreatment of it and its misuse.

 

* * *

 

 

“  _ So I take a sip, wait 'til it hits, _

_ That liquid guilt is on my lips- _

_ I'm wasted on you. _ “

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler looked almost shocked that he’d even spoken. He stopped for a second, though it felt like an hour, before spitting out too many words at once, almost too much for Josh to process.

 

“Oh, no Josh, no don’t be sorry, no this is my fault I should’ve- I should’ve checked in with you more, or called you while I was away, I should’ve spent more time with you, or-” Tyler shook the feeling out of his head and turned away, stopping his own rambling and taking breaths.

 

Josh hated it.

 

He didn’t want to trigger this. He didn’t want Tyler to feel bad for what he’d done. Never, not at all, it wasn’t his fault. It was Josh’s.  He was terrible.  Awful.  Weak. Selfish.  He could apologize until the end of time, but it wouldn’t stop Tyler from blaming himself.  And here’s the catch-22, Josh concluded, he’s either worsening everyone’s lives by sticking around, or destroying them with his death.  There was no way to win.  

 

It felt like there was an ocean between him and Tyler as he stared at the singer’s back.  No wonder Tyler didn’t love him.  Jenna made him happy.  Made him a better person--they deserved each other, they deserved happiness.  Josh deserved nothing.

 

Tyler’s breaths were shuddering, shoulders shaking, filling the room with panic that Josh just felt numb to.  

 

“We just want to know why.  Why, Josh?”

 

Josh couldn’t answer that. Not with words. He didn’t want to tell Tyler, not even if he knew how. It all made sense in his own head- but he knew that if he tried to express it he’d fuck up. He’d wreck it again, it wouldn’t make any sense, and they’d be worse off than before.

 

So he said nothing.

 

He watched Tyler panic, and shake, and freak out, he watched Tyler break down because of him. He couldn’t do anything. He had convinced himself that nothing he could say or do would make it better. He’d already failed at killing himself. Why not fail at this too?

 

And maybe creating a wedge between Tyler and him was a good thing. Maybe they were never meant to be anything. Tyler was talented enough to make music on his own. Maybe Twenty One Pilots wasn’t meant to happen either.

 

Josh felt inadequate.

 

He felt selfish and inadequate.

 

* * *

 

 

“  _ Too good to be good for me- _

_ Too bad that that's all I need... _

_ All I need. _ “

 

* * *

 

 

Josh wished that Tyler would just leave the room now that the mostly one-sided conversation had veered into awkward silence, but Tyler was anything if not stubborn.  He sat down heavily, sighing, into a chair next to the bed, and Josh just wanted to shrink from his gaze.  Tyler was studying his face, eyes dark and unreadable.  Josh hoped he was getting mad now.  That’s what he deserved.

 

“When I got the phone call, it felt like my whole world was falling apart.  And I’m sorry for just talking about myself right now, but Josh--”  Tyler drew in a rough breath, “you are so important to me.  This is just very hard to comprehend.  Please just talk to me.”

 

“You’ll hate me!” Josh burst out, his voice broken.

 

Tyler watched Josh with his lips parted slightly, startled. Josh never burst out like that, Josh was one of the most calm and collected friends he had. And Josh seemed just as surprised at what he’d said, as Tyler was.

 

“No.. No, I won’t, Josh, I’d never hate you, you’re my best friend..” Tyler pleaded softly, trying to get Josh to go on, but not pushing him. He didn’t need that.

 

Josh was confused. Josh’s veins were on fire. He could hear his heart beating in his ears. And he felt orange, a volcano erupting. He felt panicked. And the only other colour he could see was Tyler, and right now, Tyler was blue, Tyler was a calm swimming pool, Tyler was somewhere he wanted to be.

 

Josh blurted out what he was thinking, because Josh couldn’t hold onto anything else. 

 

“I’m in love with you.”   
  


Tyler stared at Josh, and Josh couldn’t feel anything, he could barely see anything, he could barely breathe. There was a thick silence between them, and when Tyler replied, his voice cut through it slowly, too slow.

 

“Josh, I just got married.”   
  
Josh swallowed and closed his eyes before replying, voice crumbling like his mind was.

  
“I know, Tyler. I know.”


	9. Ease

Tyler didn’t know how to feel, and he didn’t know how to place himself, for the longest time, after everything. But eventually, when Josh saw improvement- Tyler started to forgive himself.

 

Started.

 

It was hard to forgive yourself when you didn’t really know if things were your fault, and Tyler’s thought process worked by breaking everything down and then pitting it against himself. That was just how he worked. And because Josh wouldn’t talk to him, not much, not enough- he really didn’t have any reason to believe that it was anyone’s doing but his own.

 

What did he do? Well, it was more about what he didn’t do. He didn’t look for Josh after the wedding he didn’t call him that night, and he certainly hadn’t paid enough attention. Tyler felt like a rain cloud that hadn’t quite been able to gather enough moisture to burst. He felt inadequate. But instead of his inadequacy affecting him- it all had spilled over onto Josh.

 

Josh-- Josh was such a kind person, who always looked for the good in everyone and everything.  If there was someone who deserved to be happy more than him, Tyler didn’t know them.  Everyone liked Josh, to know him was to have your life be better overall.  But somewhere along the line, happy, smiley, occasionally anxious- but usually positive Josh, became...broken.  And it all came back to Tyler, who didn’t mean to cause any harm. Didn’t mean to hurt Josh, of all people. It only seemed to validate Tyler’s fear that everything he touched eventually was ruined

 

And Tyler.. Well, Tyler felt _awful ._

 

Tyler hadn’t seen Josh in a while, but all he could hope for was that his treatment was going as planned and that he was getting back to himself. He was trying to be supportive, to get himself involved in the process- but what could he do? He wasn’t family, he wasn’t a direct part of Josh’s treatment or therapy. Josh’s parents and siblings were very good with keeping him updated, but- he still wished he could do more. And the weight of it was crushing.

 

 

* * *

  
  


“ _I'm down to my skin and bone,_

_And my mommy, she can't put down the phone-_

_And stop asking how I'm doing all alone, alone._ “

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At first, Josh was just being treated for immediate damage. He got his stomach pumped, the poison out of his bloodstream- he got put on vitamins, an iv, anything that would help bring him back up to health. And they did see improvement- the physical aspect anyways.

 

As for his mental health, Josh went through therapy, psychologists, anything that the doctors thought would help him. For a long time, they didn’t know what was wrong. But eventually, Josh’s family and friends were told that a treatment plan had been set, that he would attend psychologist appointments, and that he would be put on medication. They were told that the doctors were leaving it up to Josh to explain any feelings he had, when he felt it was the right time, if ever. They were respecting his privacy and wishes. Everyone understood, but Tyler himself wished he knew what was up.

 

Eventually, the family was told that Josh had improved enough to accept visitors. And that he was going to be alright, as long as he was monitored and kept seeing professionals. They decided to keep him in the hospital for just a while longer to make sure he’d be fine- a few days at most. This was the best news anyone could’ve expected.

 

Josh’s parents visited him first. Then his siblings- and Tyler took a little longer to come to his senses. It was because he still felt that crushing sensation, the guilt, the sadness. But he pulled through it for his best friend.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“ _Take me back to the basics and the simple life-_

_Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease. "_

 

 

* * *

 

 

  
  
When Tyler went to see Josh, for the first time in a while, he was scared. He was scared out of his mind. He thought, the worst, that maybe Josh hadn’t gotten better, that he still wanted to hurt himself, or do worse, that he still hated his life that he was still- damaged. And Tyler didn’t want that. Tyler didn’t want that at all. But he was advised to visit Josh, and- he did want that.

 

But when Ty did see Josh, it was more of a pleasant surprise than anything else. Seeing Josh upright in his hospital bed, cheeks bright, spooning a chocolate pudding into his mouth, was more than he’d ever expected, and it was like a breath of fresh air. Tyler could tell, he wasn’t fully there- his gaze was downturned, his fingers shook slightly, every so often- but it was better than he’d ever thought possible. And he was so so glad. This was what he’d wanted more than anything in the world.

 

He had to shake himself out of shock to make his way out of the doorway, where he’d paused- and, hearing him move, Josh finally looked up. His eyes were just as bright as they used to be, and though his typical smile wasn’t there, Tyler could see the old Josh under the surface, now. The one that he, and everyone else, had been searching for.

 

Tyler smiled slightly and walked over to the side of the bed.

 

“Hey, Josh. You look good-”

 

For a second, Josh watched Tyler. Then, he looked down and kept eating, without answering- and Tyler was afraid that he wouldn’t. Ty sat in the chair next to the bed and suppressed a sigh, knowing that he shouldn’t have gotten any of his hopes up, because Josh still was, sick, after all.

 

“I’m okay. Where you been?”

 

Tyler looked up as Josh spoke, surprised for the second time.

 

Josh just stared at him, waiting for a reply, then frowned a little bit before speaking again.

 

“What? Sorry, wanted to finish my pudding.”

 

Tyler almost laughed. But he just smiled. He smiled so brightly that Josh looked a bit weirded out, even, but Ty didn’t care. What Josh had just said, what he had just done- _that_ was the old Josh he’d been missing.

 

“I missed you.” Was Tyler’s simple reply, words laced with relief and happiness. He was so so glad that Josh even _looked_ this good- nevermind that he was talking and joking about.

 

Josh didn’t laugh, or crack a joke, or make fun of Tyler in a brotherly way, like old Josh would have. But he did smile a bit. And that was close enough.

 

“I missed you too, Ty.”

 

There was a few seconds of comfortable silence between them before Tyler spoke again, significantly quieter this time, like a breeze passing just after a rain.

 

“Are you doing okay? Josh, I was so worried, I- what happened?”

 

Josh looked down at his hands to think, and, for a while, Tyler thought he had overstepped- but Josh was just taking his time, as before, and he answered eventually.

 

“I’m okay, I think, Tyler. And, I think- I just couldn’t sort myself out. My feelings, I mean. But you know? I think I’m okay. And I think I’ve sorted them out.”

 

Tyler felt a flood of happiness hit him for another time out of many. Josh was okay. He would be okay. Tyler felt like the sun. He felt brighter than he’d felt in the past month, and it was because Josh was okay. His sunshiney best friend was alright again. He was back, and his rays were hitting Tyler right in the chest.

 

Josh’s eyes rested on Tyler for a while and they exchanged a soft smile. And though Josh’s lips had an undertone of sadness, a touch of blue, it wasn’t too much.

  
And Josh knew that he could progress to get better- and Tyler understood. He understood enough.


	10. Epilogue- Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally. Thank you everyone for reading. This fic makes me emotional. Happy to have shared it with you all. Stay street. xø

Josh was fitting his earpiece into his ear. The hum of noises echoed around him, even though he was standing alone in the back room of the building. He could feel the hum of excitement vibrate the floor, travel up his legs, and create a bass drum beat in his chest, one he would play soon. 

Twirling a drumstick around one of his fingers, he walked into the hallway after a worker, who told him there was ten minutes until showtime.

And there, Josh saw Tyler. He was standing in the hall already, waiting for him and the signal. He didn't notice Josh until he came closer, which gave the shorter man time to look him over silently.

Tyler looked like a field of bright yellow tulips. He looked like that field, happy, growing, pulsing with life, and as Josh watched him tap his foot and get pumped for the show they were about to play, he just wanted to dance through it.

When Tyler looked up and smiled at Josh, he watched his taller friend's mouth form his name, and he smiled back, stepping forward to hug him. Tyler smelled a calm brown. Tyler smelled like the inside of a warm house, drinking cinnamon tea under blankets by a hot fireplace. And Tyler's hugs felt safe, they always felt safe.

When they pulled apart to walk to the stage ' side entry, Josh kept a hold of Tyler's hand. And Tyler squeezed softly with his worn piano - fingers, and Josh knew it wasn't anything more than a friendly gesture.

But waiting by the stage, hearing the fans chant their band's name- it drew Josh out of his thoughts. And when he looked over to see Tyler smile so bright at him, so bright he thought he might go fucking blind, Josh felt healed. Josh felt healed for the first time in a long time.

"You ready, Jish? First show in a long time."

Josh just stared at Tyler for a few seconds, smiling slowly, because he could feel the anxiety crawling under his skin- but being this close to his best friend, this close to doing what he loved, this close to the fans calling his name- that chased it away.

Josh smiled back slowly. Josh squeezed Tyler's hand one more time before letting go.

"More ready than I've ever been for anything." He answered, making Tyler laugh slightly.

And when Tyler leaned over to kiss the top of Josh's hair before they both left to their places in the darkness of the stage, Josh knew it wasn't anything more than a friendly gesture.

And for once, as Josh sat down to his drum kit, flipped a stick around his finger, and breathed all of the nervousness from his lungs- Josh didn't care. Josh was okay. Josh, was happy.


End file.
